I had a business partnership that ended. When that happened, we both had lawyers working out the details, however, at first, it was much more than that. It was ugly- accusations were thrown about and it was quite upsetting. What was shocking though, was someone I had supported for years, took my business partner’s side and represented her as her lawyer. In the legal papers he accused me of outrageous things including lying. I was mortified. I was shocked and had a “how could he after all I did for him” experience. Yet, now, when I look back at it, it is completely logical. He was someone who lied, twisted the truth, did not have much integrity in all areas of his life. I am shocked, I say to my friend. I know I am not alone when these things happen. People do things all the time we don’t understand and when that happens it occurs shocking. Only, really, when we look at it from a bigger picture, the behavior that shocked us, isn’t really shocking. His behavior, was actually predictable given his past behavior. Only I was not paying attention to it all. (In case you were wondering, our partnership was ended legally and we are now good friends rooting for each other’s success.)

 

I know that this is a common issue- when should I trust people and when should I not. One thing I know- no one is trust worthy. We are all capable of lying and dishonoring our promises. So, on one hand, you should not trust anyone. Only that is a terrible way to live life and is very hard to be in business successfully. So, if no one is trust worthy, trust is a gift you give. However, I do want to give you some guidance on when it is a better bet and some red flags as to when you are better off being more cautious.

When you meet someone, your first impression is important. Your brain chemistry either connects with them or goes into protect and defend mode. There is a science to that all, which I will not go into at length. Some people call that their intuition. Whatever it is, it is often a good indicator of “proceed with caution”. I hesitate from saying- avoid this person, as we all have off days or off moments and this time that you meet them may be one of them. However, listen to your intuition and use probing questions to discover if this is someone you can trust.

Actions speak louder than words. That is a saying that proves to be true. People promise things, say things all the time, and then don’t deliver. If they do it once or twice and apologize and then stop it, that is a good indicator of you can trust them. However, if they are someone who is always full of excuses/reasons/justifications for why they did not do what they said, you cannot trust them. Now, from time to time, people work with a coach, like me, and discover why they do that sort of behavior and actually transform it. Then they clean up and complete all the mess they made when they were justifying not doing what they said- and become someone you can trust. In other words, anyone can change, if they are motivated to.

This is completely the case in both business and in personal relationships. I want you to do a little thought experiment.

1. Think of a time when you had a business or personal relationship that did not turn out well.
2. Write down all the reasons why it did not turn out well. You can start with what happened and then see if you can dissect it.
3. Next, write down all the times before the final end of the relationship when you saw or suspected signs of what happened.
4. Finally, can you see why you did not intervene when whatever happened earlier happened again and ended the relationship.
5. If you can see that, note that for the future.

Why I like this experiment is you can see the pattern you have in stepping over things or ignoring them or putting up with them. When you see the pattern, you can intervene earlier and save yourself the ‘shock’ of what happens.

I know this is all about trusting people- the most important thing to remember is you must first trust yourself. I hope this has been enlightening for you. Trust IS a gift. Give it wisely.