“John* took credit for my idea! What do I do to correct this? “exclaimed my client, Brandi* (*names changed). When that happens, the question is to you say something or stay quiet. I know that most people think it depends on the situation. I don’t. I think you always speak up, but the how you do that and what you say is critical to having a desired outcome.

First, I never recommend you say something in front of others in the moment. Why? When you do this, the person you are confronting will likely get defensive. His or her brain will go into protect and defend mode and the biochemical reaction will not allow him/her to think clearly. You won’t make any positive difference with them when they are in that state. And, frankly, you, too are likely in a defend and protect state and will not speak powerfully. The goal of this interaction is to change a behavior and have a positive outcome for all.

I recommend a few steps:

• After the meeting or interaction in which this (or anything else that happens where you get upset), speak privately to the person but only after you are calm and can think clearly.
  • To get yourself in a calm state-I find my clients do one of two things: talk to a confidant (not gossip and complain, but a coach or mentor who will keep it confidential and listen to help you sort out your feelings and create the conversation and plan).
    • Or write out everything. Write out exactly what happened. What are you upset about? Speculate on why they might have done whatever they did. What are you concerned about? What do you want to have happen? Once you have this written out, you will likely be less emotional and will be able to formulate your conversation and plan.
  • Create a time to meet with the person. First- and this is the most important thing—create a context or framework for the conversation by telling them what you are committed to. (Doing this allows them to listen from your commitment versus their reaction). Then as you planned out, you may want to tell them your experience and ask them what happened from their view.
  • Discuss it with them inside of listening to their view and your commitment.
  • Create an agreement.
    • Part of the outcome may include them talking to the other people that were involved privately.

I always recommend that when something happens with another person you speak up. The only way you can resolve upsets is when you are in communication. No one can read minds! If you shut up when you get upset, you will just think and get stuck in a negative point of view, never allowing resolution to occur.

Our lives, both in business and in our personal lives, involve relationships with other people. One of the most important skill sets to develop is communication and conflict resolution. Helping others see what upsets us and working it out benefits everyone.