Gossip of course: The cost of that juicy tidbit is real!

We are all guilty of it. It is so rampant that it is a multibillion dollar industry. What am I talking about—- gossip! We seem to love to talk about other people, mostly in a negative way, when they aren’t present. Why? Psychologists say it starts when we are young and are looking at the world through the view of comparison. If someone does something we judge wrong, somehow that vindicates us and has us be better than them- at least in our minds. It is the tool we use to validate ourselves. People in the public eye, people who are highly successful are often publicly gossiped about so we can take them down a peg, and we don’t feel the envy of their position or success as deeply. It is a normal human reaction.

Even though it is normal, it is damaging. It destroys relationships. It destroys workplace environments. It hurts you, It costs you. It can have you lose a job, lose a friendship, lose a relationship, lose opportunities. It is expensive! And if you are being gossiped about, it can be devastating to your self-esteem to be gossiped about. It absolutely changes people’s views about the person being gossiped about (even if they did not do anything!).

Just think about a time when you listened to someone else tell you a juicy story about someone else. When you saw that person, wasn’t that story and now opinion about that person one of the first things you thought about? Think about a time when you gossiped about someone you knew and saw them later- did you experience a bit of guilt or shame knowing you had spread gossip about them?
A few days ago, I found out some people I thought were my friends were gossiping about me. When I went to them to discuss it, they used the excuse of “we were concerned about you”. Funny, how crazy excuses sound, isn’t it?  How does talking about someone behind their back versus talking to them resolve your concern or support them? Of course, it doesn’t. However, we don’t like to admit our own human failings. Gossip is one of them and if you can admit it, you can take more positive action.

Have you ever been in a workplace where someone in authority gossiped to you about another employee? Did you experience a little thrill- like somehow you got some position over that other person?

I got a call from a client about this very issue- he said to me, “Our department is very toxic”. And when we looked together, what we got to was that gossip was rampant. Why? Perhaps the manager did not experience they had power and their way of experiencing it was to gossip and make themselves feel better.

What you might want to also realize is that if that person is gossiping to you, they are likely gossiping about you. It is a habit. And it is a habit that is often very destructive. It is destructive in workplaces, families and in our social circles.

Imagine life, and your life, and your workplace if you decided to no longer gossip. What could be a new habit you create?

How about communication? Here are some alternatives to gossip:

• If you are upset with someone– call them or see them and have a conversation to work out whatever you are upset about.
• If someone does something great, and you experience normal pangs of envy—call them and congratulate them and perhaps ask them how they did that. You will grow and learn and it will forward your own success.
• If someone gossips to you about another person—invite them to talk to the person about whatever they are gossiping about. You are now interrupting the gossip habit and encouraging communication.
• If you do something or something happens that has a potentially negative impact on another person- don’t wait for them to gossip, simply call them and have a conversation and apologize as appropriate.

There are many other alternatives to gossip. I invite you to simply examine this habit and see if you want to create some other habits that work better for you.